The Silent Now

My divorce was finalized a little over four months ago. Because we were high school sweethearts, I’ve never had to navigate the world of dating. Let me be the first to say that while this is hard and confusing, I am loving every second. I’ve learned some new things about myself along the way and realized that even though we are all adults now, some things never change.

One of these unchanging things is the need for companionship. I wasn’t very popular in school so I clung to the few friends that were always there. These were, of course, mostly girl friends. Guys didn’t seem interested in me, so the few that were interested were like shiny new toys to a 4 year old. Any ideas about why I married my first really serious boyfriend?

Now that I’m on my own and enjoying my freedom, I still find that I enjoy the company of men. Especially those that wax poetic about how awesome I am. (Which to me, just shows they have good taste. LOL) But I’m having trouble deciphering the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. It seems like if the guy is really great, the Now part just sort of gets lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT looking for a relationship right now. I’m having way too much fun not being accountable to anyone but myself. But I find myself seconding guessing my decisions to stay mostly platonic with some kissing thrown in. I mean, what if this is “The One”? Wouldn’t I be stupid to throw away something so good with both hands just because I’m having fun?

Here’s what I’ve come up with. I don’t know myself yet. I've been in my very first apartment for about 3 months. I’m stuck in this really uncomfortable limbo where I want to be a real, independent person but I still want that companionship I long for. Until I know myself a bit more as a single adult, I will just have to tack the Now onto Mr. Right every time.

 And maybe eventually, the Now part will not only be silent, it will disappear altogether. And I will be ready.

This is me.

I suppose I should start this blog with a little about myself. I am 31 years old (yes, I am admitting it!) and a single mom to an adorable 6 year old boy. My divorce was final in August 2012. I had married my high school boyfriend and we just grew apart. While I don't miss my ex, I do miss having life all figured out. I had the husband, the kid, the house, the job... everything was 'good'.

But good doesn't necessarily equal happy. I realized that not only was I done with the relationship with my husband, but there was SO much I had yet to experience in life. A first date (my ex and I never really had an official first date), being able to decorate my own place the way I want, being independent - financially and emotionally.

The last year of my life has been a huge whirlwind. More has changed this year than any other year of my life. And you know what? Being single is awesome. It's exciting and terrifying and freeing all at the same time.

I hope to be able to use this blog as a jumping point for my thoughts that I generally don't let out. I'm new to blogging, so I apologize for the boringness that is this page. I'll figure it out eventually!