The Infinite Sadness

I have a confession. I've been on antidepressants since January. They helped me a bit at first, but I feel like it's not enough anymore.

My birthday is on Saturday. Usually, by this time, I'm jumping up and down like a little kid. I love my birthday. It's the only time of the year when I can worry about just me and having fun. This year, it's totally lackluster. Ok, that's putting it mildly. I just plain don't care. I have plans to go to B.A.D. Bingo (night bingo with fun lights and a DJ) with some friends, but honestly I would rather stay home. Just curl up in my jammies and fall asleep early.

I know what is wrong with me. I've been fighting depression for at least the last 8 months. With stressing about my son, J having his own custody issues with his daughters, gaining weight and not being able to do anything about it with my broken foot, medical bills, etc. it's just all so overwhelming. I feel like if I can make it out of this damn boot, things will start turning around. I know it won't solve anything, but maybe I could at least get off the couch and start living again.

I see a counselor regularly and I just texted her to see if I can get an appt. She is really good and I'm surprised she hasn't said anything before now about me. She was the one who called it back in January.

Also, I woke up to the beginnings of a cold sore. Happy birthday to me.

Why I will never go camping again

This weekend we went camping. If you know me at all, you will know that I absolutely HATE camping. I don't like getting dirty, I don't like bugs, I don't like sleeping on the ground, and now, I don't like fighting with people that I can't get away from.

It all started innocently enough. My good friend R wanted to go camping over the weekend. I haven't been in 3 or so years because the last time she wanted to go, there was snow on the ground and I was so freaking cold. Now, it's August, there's no snow and it was relatively warm enough, so even though my foot is still broken and I'm still wearing a walking boot, I thought what the hell.

Camping started being absolutely no fun before we even left. I printed out a checklist to make sure we had everything we/I needed. My boyfriend J thought I was crazy because the list was ridiculously long and kept fighting me on getting everything ready. We were intending on leaving around 1pm and didn't get on the road until 3pm. Ugh.

R picked a place to camp that was a million miles from anythng resembling civilized life. Ok, not really, but it was a good 40 miles from the closest town on the main highway and 17 miles down dirt roads. We had absolutely no cell reception and you had to drive at least 30 minutes to hope to get one bar of service. I don't know about you, but that makes me super nervous in regards to emergencies. Poor J started to feel sick on Saturday night and was having trouble breathing. He started having a panic attack that led to even more labored breathing and we almost left in the middle of the night.

Anyway, so we get to the campsite (FINALLY!) and set everything up. It's all going pretty well, and as the only guy on the trip, J started finding wood to chop up for the fire. R and her friend K were already there and were apparently not pleased with J's choice in logs to chop. Cue insulting jabs incident #1.

I need to back up and say that we decided to do dinners and breakfasts cooperatively. R took Friday night dinner, K had Saturday breakfast, J & I had Saturday dinner and my best friend D (who wasn't able to come up until Saturday night - more on that later) had Sunday breakfast. J and I made ribs, chicken, corn on the cob and bloomin' onion bread for dinner. R brought hot dogs (which J does NOT eat), K brought bagels, D brought giant breakfast burritos. We never talked about how extravagant meals should be, but am I the only one who sees the disparity between ribs and hot dogs? Breakfast burritos and bagels? I think that's more petty than anything but whatever.

Anyway, so Jeremy ended up cooking himself some chicken wings on Friday night because he needed something to eat. Saturday morning, the bagels were ok, but it wasn't really filling/satisfying food. I ended up snacking A LOT to compensate.

Saturday night rolls around. D still hadn't made it to the campsite and because no one had service, no one knew what was happening. Two others (C and L) had made it VERY late the night before because they got lost and L had forgotten her bag with all her clothes in it. D was supposed to be able to pick it up from her car and bring it (L had called OnStar to have her car unlocked) but the car was locked. D waited around for about 2 hours to see if the car would unlock and finally just left without her clothes. Suprisingly, she got a bit of crap for not stopping at Walmart or whatever to grab underwear and a pair of sweatpants for L. Really???

We made our dinner on Saturday night and I was super excited about it. There were 2 completely uncooked racks of ribs, 3 pieces of chicken, corn on the cob and onion bread to make. Needless to say, it took awhile to cook everything and J was doing pretty much all of it. We only had the fire and our tiny grill to use so things went in stages. The bigger rack of ribs was done first, then the onion bread, then the corn, then the chicken, then the smaller rack of ribs. We were stalling to make sure that D had warm food when she got there. R and K made the snidest remarks (well, I'm not eating THAT, I don't know when you were planning on cooking the fucking corn because it's going to take awhile, etc.) and both ended up not eating any of the ribs or chicken. Even C who refused to participate in the cooperative food plan was grateful and excited when I offered some ribs to her because we obviously had more than enough.  Lots of eye rolling, lots of insulting jabs, lots of attitude. It was the most ungrateful, snotty display I think I have ever seen.

Sometime in the middle of all this, we discovered my car's battery was dead. As soon as D got there, J moved the firewood so she could pull up next to my car and jump start it. Apparently this was totally unnecessary in R and K's eyes. Needing a working vehicle in case of emergency is stupid, right? Not to mention the fact that by this time, we had had just about enough and would have just left altogether if we weren't waiting for D. R turns to me in the middle of all of this and said, "He has to jump it NOW? (Insert disgusted noise here.) Just so you know, I am NEVER going camping with J again."

It was pretty much all downhill from there. I didn't talk much to R or K because I was afraid that at any second, I would go off on them. My stomach kind of hurt from the ribs (damn you, lack of gallbladder!) so I wasn't drinking much. I was exhausted from not sleeping much the night before and all I really wanted to do was go to sleep so I could get up and go home in the morning.

It rained pretty much all weekend and it was cold. And dirty. And uncomfortable, physically and socially. And expensive.

I told J that the next time we go camping, it must be in a cabin. With plumbing. And a store and a hospital nearby. And none of those people (besides D) there.

Catching up...

It's now August and I haven't kept up with this blog. Let's see if I can give you a rundown of everything that's happened in the past 8 months.

• I've been seeing this great guy (let's call him J) off and on since last June. In fact, the great guy I alluded to in my last blog post was him. He's 25, so quite a bit younger than I am. He has 2 daughters (more on them later) and treats me really well. We have our issues, but he makes me happy.
• The ex and his girlfriend just had a baby. I'm still struggling with it. I wanted another baby for a long time and it was just never right. Now that I am where I am, I realize that it was a good decision not to have one, but it still stings to hear about it. Especially because my son was/is so excited about it.
• I have a love/hate relationship with my apartment. The carpet is disgusting and the management refuses to do anything about it, it's super small now that J lives here and I hate the stairs.
• I broke my foot in May. Stepping on a rock of all things. They didn't find the fracture until 2 weeks ago so I've been pretty much just in pain this whole time. And it didn't heal properly, so now I'm in a boot and have to do these bone growth stimulating ultrasound treatments every night. I'm so frustrated with it and I feel like it ruined my whole summer. Not to mention the fact that it's been REALLY expensive. Bleh.
• My son has been doing SO MUCH better recently. He was diagnosed with ADHD at the beginning of last school year and it's taken about a year to figure out his meds. I feel comfortable with where we are in that, but the ex absolutely hates that he takes meds. I keep trying to tell him that when he is older and more mature, we will work on alternate treatment. But for now, he is just not capable of recognizing his behavior and self-correcting.
• Because of all of the issues with the ex, custody, medication, etc., I'm considering going back to court and asking for full custody with visitation for the ex. I don't want to do it because I know my son will miss his dad, but the inconsistency is very hard on him. He struggles in school when he is at his dad's, he was late to school 19 times last year (only one of those was me when we had a car accident on the way to school) and the ex is just not supportive of OUR decision to medicate him. I really feel that he would benefit from being at my house everyday that he has school and being with his dad on the weekend and when he has breaks from school.

So, that's all in a nutshell, I think. More on all of the subjects later...

The Silent Now

My divorce was finalized a little over four months ago. Because we were high school sweethearts, I’ve never had to navigate the world of dating. Let me be the first to say that while this is hard and confusing, I am loving every second. I’ve learned some new things about myself along the way and realized that even though we are all adults now, some things never change.

One of these unchanging things is the need for companionship. I wasn’t very popular in school so I clung to the few friends that were always there. These were, of course, mostly girl friends. Guys didn’t seem interested in me, so the few that were interested were like shiny new toys to a 4 year old. Any ideas about why I married my first really serious boyfriend?

Now that I’m on my own and enjoying my freedom, I still find that I enjoy the company of men. Especially those that wax poetic about how awesome I am. (Which to me, just shows they have good taste. LOL) But I’m having trouble deciphering the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now. It seems like if the guy is really great, the Now part just sort of gets lost.

Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT looking for a relationship right now. I’m having way too much fun not being accountable to anyone but myself. But I find myself seconding guessing my decisions to stay mostly platonic with some kissing thrown in. I mean, what if this is “The One”? Wouldn’t I be stupid to throw away something so good with both hands just because I’m having fun?

Here’s what I’ve come up with. I don’t know myself yet. I've been in my very first apartment for about 3 months. I’m stuck in this really uncomfortable limbo where I want to be a real, independent person but I still want that companionship I long for. Until I know myself a bit more as a single adult, I will just have to tack the Now onto Mr. Right every time.

 And maybe eventually, the Now part will not only be silent, it will disappear altogether. And I will be ready.

This is me.

I suppose I should start this blog with a little about myself. I am 31 years old (yes, I am admitting it!) and a single mom to an adorable 6 year old boy. My divorce was final in August 2012. I had married my high school boyfriend and we just grew apart. While I don't miss my ex, I do miss having life all figured out. I had the husband, the kid, the house, the job... everything was 'good'.

But good doesn't necessarily equal happy. I realized that not only was I done with the relationship with my husband, but there was SO much I had yet to experience in life. A first date (my ex and I never really had an official first date), being able to decorate my own place the way I want, being independent - financially and emotionally.

The last year of my life has been a huge whirlwind. More has changed this year than any other year of my life. And you know what? Being single is awesome. It's exciting and terrifying and freeing all at the same time.

I hope to be able to use this blog as a jumping point for my thoughts that I generally don't let out. I'm new to blogging, so I apologize for the boringness that is this page. I'll figure it out eventually!